Blog of the Player Next to John Lackey's Locker

They say what happens in the locker room stays in the locker room, but there are some things I can’t let go. I’m a professional ball player who trains and works tirelessly every day to perform my greatest, and when there are distractions, I try to ignore them. However, my locker is next to someone so large, so sweaty, and smells like a used salt lick, I have to tell all.

That player is Boston Red Sox pitcher John Lackey – or as I like to call him, Demon Troll.

May 19

Entry #3 - Beard Trimmings

May 12th – Boston Red Sox vs. Toronto Blue Jays

Baseball players are extremely superstitious. Whether its eating the same meal before each game, having the same exercise regiment, or simply not walking on the white foul lines between innings, superstitions are silly, but necessary for many athletes.

Demon Troll has a disgusting superstition. Face hair.  His greasy, oily, dandruff speckled beard trimmings – in a Ziploc bag in his locker. Ugh.

How did this come about? It’s my duty to tell you.

Lackey found out around April 15th, 2011, that the San Francisco Giants won the World Series. He’s late to the party in an adorable way, like when a child first finds out a neat historical fact.

“Nolan Ryan threw 7 no-hitters? Wow…” But this is a grown adult who plays the game of baseball as his job, and the Giants winning the World Series is something every baseball player ought to fucking know the moment it fucking happens.

Of course a leading man in the Giants road to victory was closer Brian Wilson – and his beard.  Wilson’s beard has grown in popularity and length quite a bit since he started growing it mid-season 2010. After national recognition due to his performance in the World Series, Wilson and his beard are hip icons of the sport.

Lackey, this time more like a wide-eyed child who is obsessed with anything cool he sees on TV, like a skateboard or a Ninja Turtle, grew infatuated with beards.

He researched Abe Lincoln (whom he originally thought was “that president named after a car”), ZZ Top, and Gandalf the Wizard (who Troll exclaims is “totally a real person”).

Imagine the excitement when Lackey realized that he could grow his own beard! His whole life, he thought that shaving was “something big boys do” and didn’t know that his mother said that to him to help him understand his body was going through changes.

So Lackey decided to grow his own beard. It was pretty gross looking, but none of us cared as he went on to pitch three great games. Then Demon Troll complains that the beard itches, he shaves it, and gives up 8 runs and 9 runs in the next two games.

Troll blames his personal superstition.  For his entire baseball career, he has played with his beard trimmings in a Ziploc bag in his locker. We all begged him to keep the beard, but he insisted on putting his small specks of disgusting flakey beard trimmings in the same bag he’s used for roughly 7 years.

So yes, superstitions might be hokey, but when a player believes them, he’ll stick to them relentlessly. Lackey, sadly, is a moron, and likes to prove to the world that he isn’t worth half his contract.  In his defense, though, what he lacks in facial hair, he makes up for in pubes. But that’s for another entry…

This blog is entirely fictitious and this anonymous player does not exist.

Apr 22

Blog Entry #2 – “I Heart J.B.”

4/9/11 – New York Yankees vs Boston Red Sox

I don’t think it’s any secret that Josh Beckett is one hell of a pitcher. Despite a poor season with injuries, Beckett has been and still is a dominant force on the mound. As his teammate, I can see on a daily basis why so many fans and players alike respect the veteran.

John Lackey has a crush on him. I’m not saying it to be hateful, but Demon Troll is secretly in love with Beckett.  Being next to his locker, I see things that no one else does – especially because he doesn’t hide it too well.  He hides evidence like a teenage boy hides his erection when his mom bursts into his room. “I swear… I was just… uhh… cleaning it!”

I found this the other day:

My locker is at the end of the clubhouse, so Troll is my only neighbor. I like to talk about the game with somebody after its done, but I keep forgetting that The Mouth Breather doesn’t shut up. Beckett would have a great game and I would say, “Man… Beckett was on point tonight.” Troll’s eyes would light up and he would start drooling with passion and talk incessantly about how wonderful Josh is. He wouldn’t really talk about the game, but more about Josh as a person. For example, did you know Josh’s favorite dessert is cheesecake? I didn’t. I shouldn’t, really.

Sometimes players would ask other teammates to sign stuff for their distant nephews or neighbors back home. Most players are totally fine with that. Lackey asks just Josh for autographs, and Josh recently got upset when Lackey asked for 5 balls to be signed, “To John L, you’re almost as good of a pitcher as I am.” Demon Troll swears it’s for his dentist John Littleton, but we all know that’s a lie because there’s no chance in hell Troll even goes to a dentist. No need with those pearly yellows.

What I don’t understand is that Lackey has this man crush on Beckett, but he has a gorgeous wife! She has no idea a) Lackey is attracted to another man and b) that she should be attracted to another man!


Perhaps I’m just jealous.  Either way, Lackey has a crush on Josh Beckett. Maybe if they make out, Lackey can use his troll powers to absorb the skills necessary to pitch a decent game.

This blog is 100% fabricated. It is not written by a real MLB ballplayer.

Apr 14

Entry #1 - Bacon Cheeseburgers

4/4/11 – Boston Red Sox vs Texas Rangers

Troll was starting this game. It was his first start of 2011, thus the first time he went through his pregame ritual. Most pitchers are more focused on strengthening exercises, stretching, and eating at a certain time. Demon Troll’s ritual is just that last part, and replace the words “at a certain” with “all the”.

You ever step into your cleat to have your foot met with a greasy, poorly constructed bacon cheeseburger? It’s not what you want to happen on a game day ever.  Demon Troll has a thing for bacon cheeseburgers. He eats them like a regular person eats Cheez-Its, or like a regular fat person eats a box of Cheez-Its.

I know. You’re thinking, “Bacon cheeseburgers don’t come in boxes.” I’d normally agree with you, but John Lackey literally brings in boxes of bacon cheeseburgers on his pitching days. There are so many bacon cheeseburgers, several find their way into my locker (and into my cleats) and it causes my uniform to smell like a suit worn by J. Wellington Wimpy (and bacon).

I wouldn’t be compelled to write this anonymous blog if the activities stopped there because they don’t. Demon Troll doesn’t eat bacon cheeseburgers – he inhales them. I’m reminded of a moment from The Simpsons.  Now, when Troll does chew, as rare an event as that is, it also becomes the time where he turns into the Great Communicator. He’ll just talk about anything and everything when he has bacon cheeseburger ingredients in his mouth. Particles of beef, cheese, bacon, and bun spray out of his mouth and have more movement in their trajectories than Troll’s pitching arsenal.

I’d like to say his conversation skills are adept, but alas, they just simply resort to his childish desire to prove himself the victim of every poor start in his career. Always with an excuse, The Mouth Breather will explain the reason he sucks as being due to such things out of his control like weather, a difficult division, or his frame, given to him as a cruel joke played on his mother by God, who by the way, hates the entire Lackey Troll Clan.

But this is about bacon cheeseburgers in the large, thick mouth of Demon Troll. The conversations can be discussed in another blog.

Lackey doctors the ball. He’s the only pitcher I know who doctors the ball so that it ends up in the wheelhouse of every hitter active in the game of baseball. What does he do? He keeps a fatty, dripping bacon cheeseburger on his face and lets it sit for a whole hour before first pitch. Then, whenever you see him wiping his brow with his pitching hand, he’s actually rubbing the congealed oil that resulted from his odd ritual involving his massive forehead and wiping it on the ball.  Catchers have admitted to purposely letting the ball slip under their legs so they don’t have to touch the disease-ridden baseball.

I wish I could say that this is the only dilemma I face as the player next to John Lackey’s locker, but sadly, there is far more to read and write. See you later this season.