Entry #3 - Beard Trimmings
May 12th – Boston Red Sox vs. Toronto Blue Jays
Baseball players are extremely superstitious. Whether its eating the same meal before each game, having the same exercise regiment, or simply not walking on the white foul lines between innings, superstitions are silly, but necessary for many athletes.
Demon Troll has a disgusting superstition. Face hair. His greasy, oily, dandruff speckled beard trimmings – in a Ziploc bag in his locker. Ugh.
How did this come about? It’s my duty to tell you.
Lackey found out around April 15th, 2011, that the San Francisco Giants won the World Series. He’s late to the party in an adorable way, like when a child first finds out a neat historical fact.
“Nolan Ryan threw 7 no-hitters? Wow…” But this is a grown adult who plays the game of baseball as his job, and the Giants winning the World Series is something every baseball player ought to fucking know the moment it fucking happens.
Of course a leading man in the Giants road to victory was closer Brian Wilson – and his beard. Wilson’s beard has grown in popularity and length quite a bit since he started growing it mid-season 2010. After national recognition due to his performance in the World Series, Wilson and his beard are hip icons of the sport.
Lackey, this time more like a wide-eyed child who is obsessed with anything cool he sees on TV, like a skateboard or a Ninja Turtle, grew infatuated with beards.
He researched Abe Lincoln (whom he originally thought was “that president named after a car”), ZZ Top, and Gandalf the Wizard (who Troll exclaims is “totally a real person”).
Imagine the excitement when Lackey realized that he could grow his own beard! His whole life, he thought that shaving was “something big boys do” and didn’t know that his mother said that to him to help him understand his body was going through changes.
So Lackey decided to grow his own beard. It was pretty gross looking, but none of us cared as he went on to pitch three great games. Then Demon Troll complains that the beard itches, he shaves it, and gives up 8 runs and 9 runs in the next two games.
Troll blames his personal superstition. For his entire baseball career, he has played with his beard trimmings in a Ziploc bag in his locker. We all begged him to keep the beard, but he insisted on putting his small specks of disgusting flakey beard trimmings in the same bag he’s used for roughly 7 years.
So yes, superstitions might be hokey, but when a player believes them, he’ll stick to them relentlessly. Lackey, sadly, is a moron, and likes to prove to the world that he isn’t worth half his contract. In his defense, though, what he lacks in facial hair, he makes up for in pubes. But that’s for another entry…
This blog is entirely fictitious and this anonymous player does not exist.